Questions questions

Do you chase your dreams to worlds end?

Do you settle for comfort and ease?

Do you go out of norm or fall into place?

I just got re-offered a position which I rejected a while back. This position is an oil and gas position, but wait, there's a catch..the pay is only one third of what I am getting now. A trainee position like this has its perks; great learning opportunities, bigger margin for error, less occupational hazard, and less stress. It is a plus for me as it is the industry of my choice, the one I dreamed about since high school..I have been struggling to get into this industry for months now, but I do not have a fancy CGPA nor a relevant degree. This is a golden opportunity for me, but just how do you survice in KL with such a low pay? I readily rejected it in the pass, as I thought there are plenty other Oil and Gas companies out there, but I was dead wrong. Yes, there are plenty, but they are NOT looking for people like me. Fresh graduate, mediocre results, non Bumi, not connected and above all, INEXPERIENCED.

I vaguely remember telling my friends how I would seize any O&G opportunity regardless of the pay, but now that I am dealt that card, I am paralyzed. I stop dead in my tracks. I can't be sure anymore. The stakes suddenly got so real and so high it's scary. What if I do not make it as a permanent staff? What if I am not cut out for the job? That would mean throwing away a job which was perfectly fine; executive position, hands-on learning, demanding sink-or swim environment, exposure to experienced and knowledgeable people. Its some scary shit I tell you.

I am just ranting about my fears here, but in all honesty, my mind is 70% sure I'm going to take the job..I need a leap of faith. I need to get into the industry fast, and start learning. I know if I finish training, and get absorbed into the company, I can make it big time. I also know that it would take about 2 years to reach my current pay now in the new company, but the growth would be exponential down the road.

What would I be missing then, if I take the new position?

I would be leaving my Application Engineer job..the respectable paying job. The job where I have learnt more in 2 months than in 4 years of university. The job where I am held responsible for a whole plant. The job where I get to tell 11 people if it is okay for them to go take a pee. The job that I can be absolutely great at, but lack passion and interest. Seriously, I get home from work and I just throw everything away..I don't study, I don't research, I don't do nothing to improve myself. I managed to drag myself a couple of times to go study the plant during the weekends, but that is about it. I have got so much energy, but I lack passion. That is why I really need to get in the right industry as soon as possible..I know I can be great. I just know it.

A quick discussion with my family left me crushed. They strongly opposed me taking this job. They know and I know my new pay will not be enough to support my life in KL. Above all, I think that they want me to be independent as soon as possible, as they will no longer be able to support me soon, and I will have to start providing. They have their fears, I know. But enough pride not to let it show.

Beaten down, mentally exhausted, poor, looked down upon, disrespectful pay, going against my parents => are these me? are these what I am prepared to do? am I strong enough?

GOTTA WANT IT

...

Goodbye kong kong..

11.00 am 15th August 2010 : the closing of the coffin of my grandfather.

I got a call from my brother today at 11.00 am, telling me to say a few words to my late grandfather..Throughout my life, I never heard my brother sounded so shooked up and sad before..A man of his integrity does not buckle so easily..

I grew up in this world knowing that I have only one grandfather. Throughout my childhood, this person, my mother's father, played a very important role.. I feel awful that I can't be with him at his end..However, I am glad to know that he passed peacefully, as if he was going to sleep..

I will try to focus on how he lived, instead of the fact that he passed.

My grandfather was loved by all his grandchildren. Being the second born grandchildren, me and my brother got alot of attention when we were brought up. I can still remember the way he treated us, and I as far as I remember, he never, not once, got upset with me over anything.

Over the years when I grew up, he was always there to fill up the guardian spot when my parents aren't around. He would travel all the way from kampung to stay with me and my brother, just to make sure we were safe and stayed out of trouble. We always got into trouble though..Yea..I always took advantage of him and his love for us grandchildren..

Being a traditional man, my grandfather thought me a lot of fun things..e.g. he bought me my first top, he made me a total of 3 (three) 'lastik' made from natural rubber tree branch, not your usual metal frame, etc etc.

Continue: 30th April 2011

Held up this post in my draft for 6 months now..it deserves to be completed. I didn't got a chance to finish because well..4th year.

Being a traditional man, my grandfather taught me a lot of fun things..e.g. he bought me my first top, he made me a total of 3 (three) 'lastik' made from natural rubber tree branch, not your usual metal frame, etc etc. And then there are the real fun stuffs like how when your rub rubber tree seed against concrete at a high enough speed and duration, that shit can burn your cousins!

(of course he didn't tell me to burn my cousin lah). *y the hell didn't I use those as lastik bullets? damn I was stupid!* My grandfather also allowed me to ride his old school Yap-Pun bicycle (equipped with a dynamo) around his house..I remembered how small I was when I rode that gigantic thing..like a boss..

My grandparents practically defined my taste buds, and my grandfather was the one who introduced me to the classical kopitiam taste. He often brought me to a kopitiam near his house, and we enjoyed coffee and toast. Our coffee was 'kopi-o-kau'..*coz thats how we roll, we drink it thick like that* You know how when you were a kid and drinks were real hot for you? My grandpa shared his coffee with me on a saucer, and I never understood he was applying the basic of heat transfer to cool of my drink..genius! Another notable beverage he introduced was the 'teh-kong', where near empty condensed milk cans were used to fill hot tea, giving it an awesome taste..back then it was 60 cents, now you cant buy that with 6 bucks..

As I was growing up, my family and I often visited my grandparents..at the end of every visit, without fail, my grandfather will slip a 1 ringgit coin into my pocket. As inflation strikes, coins became notes, and the colors got brighter.. When I was young, I accepted the cash ever so happily..as I entered puberty, I wanted more..when puberty was done with me, I started refusing the cash..What will I do the be able to refuse one more time now..

As time past, age cathces up with you..my grandfather experienced a lot of sufferings through life..joint pains seem to be a big problem for him. As a grandchild, when you see you grandfather writhing in pain upon every step, you just don't know what to do. Like an ass, the best I did was ask him about his conditions every now and then. I was so glad I got many cousins back home to take care of him (12 cousins strong) and keep him company..In the last couple of years, age really caught up with him. Old age was not something easy to handle, and his children put considerable efforts to support him (hospital bills are no joke). My brother played his part handsomely, applying what he learnt in nursing college to take care of him at times. And then last year..

I guess what I learnt the hard way is to cherish your family members. I am not sure what I will do if he was still alive, but now that he is gone, I can't really do anything..

Bye Kong.

p/s: grandpa was a NightGuard during the Malayan Emergency. I'm proud as hell.